Knowing what not to say in family mediation can be the difference between a calm, productive session and one that breaks down completely. Mediation is often a stressful and emotionally charged time, so it’s no surprise that parties in conflict sometimes say or do the wrong thing in the heat of the moment.
A one-off slip can be excused and reflected on. But ongoing inappropriate behaviour can derail the process and even lead to the session being terminated. The good news is that with a little awareness, these mistakes are easy to avoid.
This guide walks you through the eight things to avoid saying, what to say instead, and how to prepare for a successful family mediation in Australia.
What Is Family Mediation?
Family mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution. It involves parties in a divorce collaborating to identify and address the best interests of the children impacted, and then planning to meet those needs.
Unlike negotiating through lawyers or going to court, the process isn’t adversarial; it’s collaborative. It isn’t concerned with the issues between the couple; rather, it’s all about the children. This is what makes family mediation in Australia such a constructive alternative to legal action, and why mediation for families is so often the better path.
What Not to Say in Family Mediation?
Clear, positive communication is essential for a constructive family mediation. Your family mediator or family dispute resolution practitioner, as they’re more formally known, will monitor your communication throughout. This means being constantly aware of what is being said, how it’s being said, and the body language, tone, and volume attached to it.
Broadly, here’s what not to say in family mediation the 8 things you should avoid saying:
1. Attacking or Criticising the Other Person
This is the antithesis of what parties are attending family mediation for. Remember, you’re there to address the best interests of the children. An attack on the other party is an attack on the mediation itself, because it places the whole process and the children’s needs in jeopardy.
2. Making Threats
This will likely lead to immediate termination of the session. Regardless of the degree, a threat is a threat and a clear signal that the party involved is not acting in good faith.
3. Talking Over the Other Person
Family mediators constantly monitor the power balance in a session. This ensures both parties are heard, have fair time to speak, and aren’t subjected to behaviour that hinders their opportunity to mediate. Talking over someone the other party or the mediator is a clear sign of power imbalance, and your mediator won’t allow it to continue.
4. Refusing to Consider Any Compromise
Collaboration and negotiation require compromise. It underpins the very nature of family mediation. Parties who refuse to make any compromises are not acting in good faith. A refusal to compromise means the mediation won’t succeed, and the couple will likely have to reach agreement via lawyers or the Family Court both lengthy and costly avenues.
5. Bringing Up Old Arguments That Aren’t Relevant
At Resolutions Australia we’re quick to remind clients that they’re mediating for the sake of the children, and that old issues between themselves are best left in the past. We don’t let clients waste time litigating “baggage” from years gone by. Our mediators keep the focus on the children’s needs now and into the future.
6. Using “My Children” Instead of “Our Children”
Family mediation is a collaboration between parents, so it’s important to remember you’re there to support “our children.” While the marriage is ending, the parenting isn’t, and the children are “ours.” The word “my” also implies a sense of ownership, which isn’t the case. Both parents have responsibilities around the children, and this should be reflected in how they’re described. It makes for a smoother, more collaborative process.
7. Claiming the Mediator Is on the Other Person’s Side
Your family mediator holds post-graduate qualifications in family dispute resolution and is registered with the Office of the Attorney-General of Australia. To suggest they are anything but impartial does you and the children a disservice. It does occasionally happen usually when one party isn’t acting in good faith and is looking for a way to disrupt the session but it’s a very rare occurrence.
8. Discussing Mediation Details Publicly or on Social Media
From a mediator’s perspective, mediation (including initial contact and intake) is carried out in the strictest confidence, and both parties are expected to honour this. While you can discuss outcomes, you shouldn’t disclose any aspect of the mediation itself. Sadly, some parties post outcomes on social media, then respond to questions which inevitably leads to a slow release of private details. Clients need reassurance that what’s said is confidential, as this is what enables full and frank discussion. Without that understanding, mediation will likely not succeed.
Why What Not to Say in Family Mediation Matters?
Appropriate communication is essential for a successful mediation. The words we use are so often loaded with power, ego, ownership, and entitlement. They can be weaponised and that detracts from what should be a collaborative effort.
Compounding this is the fact that what’s being discussed is as high-stakes as it gets. You’re talking about the lives of your children, and as difficult as that is, it becomes far harder if the mediation is derailed by negative language.
At Resolutions Australia we’ve seen too many clients try to use mediation as just another context for verbally attacking their former partner. While our mediators have numerous strategies to minimise this, there are occasions where one party simply doesn’t meet expectations and mediation is terminated.
The consequences are serious: litigation, stress, delays in parenting arrangements, both parties disempowered from decision making, and the enormous expense of lawyers and the Family Court. And all for what? A decision made by someone else, and often irreparable emotional damage to all involved.
Getting what you say right in family mediation is essential to a far more positive future than other forms of dispute resolution can offer and it’s worth the effort. We encourage you to leave egos at the door and engage for the sake of the children.
What Can Derail Mediation?
Not every mediation succeeds. When we talk with family mediators about the sessions that don’t work out, the same few problems come up again and again. Here are the most common.
1. Parties Not Acting in Good Faith
Some people see family mediation as just a box to tick before a Family Court hearing. They won’t shift their position or consider any compromise. Others try to wield power through coercion dominating the discussion, refusing to respond, using aggressive body language or tone, or even resorting to “gentle” blackmail.
2. Ego Over Effort
Sadly, some clients are convinced they’re “right.” They believe the other party has no idea what the children need, and that things will go their way or not at all. This client often nods along through intake, agreeing with everything then reaches the session and goes rogue. The mediator reminds them of the expectations, but the behaviour continues, and the session ends up terminated.
3. Volcanoes and Glaciers
Occasionally, a client tries to sway the session by either erupting or shutting down. These are tactics used to emotionally manipulate the other party, often as a last resort by someone determined to get their way. Skilled family mediators can tell the difference between these performances and genuine anger or upset.
4. Capacity, Emotions, and Readiness
For some clients, preparing for mediation is easy. They’re confident, informed, have ideas in mind, know what they can compromise on, and feel safe and engaged. For others, it’s much harder. Many struggle to be emotionally ready, lack the confidence to ask questions, or don’t fully understand the information given. Some hide all of this so they don’t appear unwilling or unable.
A party’s true state often only becomes clear once the session is underway. When that happens, the mediator should pause, work out what’s going on, and where appropriate either help that person prepare for a future session or refer them to an agency that can support them.
What to Say in Family Mediation: Helpful Phrases and Approaches
If the list above covers the don’ts, these are the do’s the family mediation tips Australia separating parents can rely on. Keep them front of mind during your session.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. You’re speaking for yourself and focused on the children. “You” statements often become accusatory and blame-laden, which isn’t helpful. You’re looking forward and have a valuable opportunity to share your thoughts use it wisely.
- Acknowledge what the other person has said. This underpins active listening. It’s useful to paraphrase or summarise what the other party has said.
- Be specific about what you need. Back up that specificity with justifications based around the children’s needs.
- Keep the children’s needs central. The best interests of the children must be at the forefront of your thinking. This is why you’re mediating keep reminding yourself of it during the session.
- Ask questions rather than making assumptions. Clarify, consider, and offer hypotheticals. Ask a range of open and closed questions to ensure you and the other party share an understanding of the children’s needs and the planning you’re undertaking.
How to Prepare for a Family Mediation Session
In regards to communication and preparing for family mediation there are several handy points to remember. Firstly, use the tips above, they work, and they support positive decision making. Secondly, come with ideas to share about the needs of the children and family going forward. Practise how you’ll present these in mediation.
Use examples to highlight the points you wish to make. This provides the other party with a tangible image of what you’ve shared.
Have conversations with a friend or family member and practise paraphrasing and summarising what they’ve said. Try adding to their point. Also use practise conversations to check your tone, volume, and body language.
Identify possible words, terms, or phrases that you might find emotionally triggering and then consider how you’ll handle this if it does occur.
Summary: Family Mediation Do’s and Don’ts with Resolutions Australia
Knowing what not to say in family mediation is only half the picture the other half is knowing what to do instead. The “don’ts” are really warning signs of someone not acting in good faith or losing sight of the children. The “do’s” are what keep the process collaborative, respectful, and moving forward. It comes down to two things: keep your focus on the children, and treat the process as a genuine collaboration.
At Resolutions Australia we see success after success with clients who do exactly that they lean into the mediator’s support and keep looking to the future. When those things slip, mediation turns adversarial, expensive, and emotionally harmful, which is a tragic outcome from what could have been an empowering process.
If you’re ready to approach mediation positively and effectively, for the sake of your children, we encourage you to contact Resolutions Australia. We’re ready to support you.
FAQs
What is the golden rule of mediation?
As in life, the golden rule in mediation is to treat others as you’d wish to be treated. In essence, it means maintaining the standards set, meeting expectations, and keeping a focus on collaboration for the benefit of the children.
What is the biggest mistake in a custody battle?
Simply, it’s a failure to prioritise the best interests of the children impacted by the divorce. Because of this, “custody” becomes a “battle” rather than the sharing of “responsibilities” being a “collaboration.”
What not to do during mediation?
The two biggest don’ts: don’t lose sight of the children’s best interests, and don’t forget you’re collaborating with the other part not competing. Forget either, and a successful outcome becomes far less likely.
What happens if mediation breaks down?
Don’t give up. Your mediator will highlight what’s already been achieved and usually suggest taking time to reflect before returning for a future session. If the breakdown is irreversible, they’ll issue a Section 60I certificate to both parties and recommend seeking independent legal advice.
