Introduction
When it comes to family mediation there are a number of ways to progress. Unfortunately, for a small number of potential clients, they simply refuse to participate. Refusal can take several forms and all have a negative impact on the wellbeing of the children impacted.
What are the Different Forms of Refusal?
Refusal usually takes one of three forms.
Firstly, your ex might simply out and out refuse. They may provide any number of excuses with a common one being that they’ve had advice from their lawyer. This is usually incorrect given that family mediation, in most cases, is expected by the Family Court.
The second common form of refusal is that of being uncontactable. Emails go unanswered, letters are returned, phone calls from the prospective mediator are ignored. This is usually a signal that your ex has simply walked away from the family or isn’t yet ready to mediate. Alternatively it may be that they are in an emotionally poor place and feel that they’re being pressured and won’t engage unless they’re in control.
A third form of refusal is the ongoing, often confusing, dialogue. This involves your ex making excuses, and entering into a running dialogue about costs, providers, timing, choices, other commitments, emergency situations that prevented attending, etc, etc. This can take months and be damaging to the parenting relationship.
Why Might Your Ex Might Refuse Mediation?
There are a number of reasons your ex may refuse to take part in mediation. They may be feeling so emotionally distraught that they simply don’t wish to see you in person, or they’re just not prepared for mediation as yet. This is not uncommon and at Resolutions Australia we’re able to support both parties to get them to a point where they feel confident and ready to mediate. This process can take weeks or months but ultimately does get both parties to the table and positive resolutions reached.
Fear of being pressured or at a disadvantage is also a common reaction amongst those clients unwilling, or unready to mediate. This is why it is so important for mediation to be discussed with a family mediator rather than with your ex. By talking directly the question of coercion or a power imbalance comes up. Getting your ex to mediation is so much more successful when a neutral family mediator enters the equation.
Anger, anxiety, or simply not understanding what mediation is can also be issues. Again, rely on what the family mediator has to contribute at first contact. They are trained to educate around the nature of mediation as well as provide insight and guidance about how to emotionally prepare. Unfortunately a percentage of clients can be in such a heightened state that the entire divorce process becomes utterly overwhelming and a refusal to mediate becomes the default.
Simple Ways to Encourage Your Ex to Take Part
Explain what mediation actually is (and what it isn’t)
Your prospective family mediator can contact your ex and explain the nature, process, and purpose of mediation. They can educate your ex around where family mediation fits in the divorce process, the benefits of successful mediation, and how best to prepare for it.
Suggest a no-obligation solo intake session so they can learn how it works first
Your prospective mediator may well find it useful to offer an intake session to a reluctant ex. At these sessions, usually 60-90 minutes, your ex will gain an understanding of family mediation and how they are conducted. They can then discuss their concerns, issues they feel are worth exploring, and also outlining what they may see as positive resolution scenarios. This process empowers, provides a forum for being heard, and also allows your ex to test the mediation ‘waters’ in terms of how comfortable they feel.
Offer a choice of a mediator so it feels neutral and fair
Feeling empowered is a crucial step in preparedness for family mediation. A really simple way to begin to feel this way is by offering your ex a range of family mediation providers to consider. This olive branch gives your ex a voice, shows them they are being considered, and empowers them to make a positive decision. A great strategy for having both parties on board to begin the process!
How We Can Send the Invitation for You?
At Resolutions Australia we use a range of methods to make contact with your ex. We send an invitation to mediate via email as well as a hard copy to their physical address. Importantly, if we don’t hear back within a few days we try calling and resending an email. The invitation notes the expectation to mediate, the benefits to mediation, and the range of methodologies that can be used for mediating successfully. In effect we seek to ‘sell’ the process to those who may be reluctant to best support efforts around the best interests of the children (another important fact we include!)
Why Online Mediation Makes It Easier to Say Yes?
At Resolutions Australia we’ve developed a family mediation model that utilises the online space wonderfully successfully.
Online family mediation helps ensure that participants are feeling safe, secure, confident and comfortable as they’re in their chosen space. We often use a shuttle method that means the parties involved never see or speak to each other. We also provide plenty of time for breaks and breathers which helps ensure clients can care for themselves, recalibrate, and refocus their attention.
It’s a format that has ensured a very high success rate from inception.
For reluctant clients we’ve used as much intake and support as needed and doing so helps ensure they arrive in the online family mediation space ready to mediate and focussed on the best interests of the children.
Ready to Take the First Step with Resolutions Australia?
Resolutions Australia lead the way in using online family mediation to its full potential. With our focus on client wellbeing and preparedness we’re rightly proud of the fact that we can reach our, engage, and prepare clients purposefully for a positive mediation experience.
If you’re reluctant or refusing we can help. One point of contact, one call or email, and we’ll support you all the way through this affirming and impactful process.
FAQs
Can I force my ex to attend mediation?
No. Your focus should be on getting in touch with a family mediation provider who can then extend an invitation to your ex to mediate. ‘Force’ also implies a sense of control or ownership over how the divorce process is going to unfold. Given that mediation involves ensuring there is no imbalance of power it’s important to use the family mediator to take charge of the process. Remember, you’re not responsible for your ex’s actions (or lack thereof.)
Can the mediator contact my ex for me?
Absolutely. That’s the way the process should occur. Your family mediator will try a range of methods to make contact and begin the process.
What if my ex is too angry to talk to me right now?
That’s fine. Given what you’re both going through it’s probably best that your ex isn’t communicating with you. Your family mediator will handle the contact and will likely ensure that your ex has the time and support to ensure they get their emotional state sorted prior to mediating. This may take weeks or months but the benefits are usually so much better when both parties can sit and talk without experiencing huge emotions.
Does online mediation make it easier for a reluctant ex?
In our experience at Resolutions Australia it most certainly does. It’s why we mediate online exclusively. We can help a reluctant ex recognise the benefits of mediating online, feeling safe and secure, and having greater autonomy over their environment and support structures.
What happens if my ex refuses mediation? (brief, non-legal, refer to a lawyer)
If your ex out and out refuses to mediate it isn’t the end of the matter. Your family mediator will issue you with a section 60i certificate that will detail your willingness and their refusal. This can be handed on to your family lawyer and can prove beneficial in terms of awarding costs if you end up in Family Court.
